Being a lone warrior

Waiting on the Lord…patience…faith…hope… I have struggled with all of these things regularly. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I plan to a fault, struggle with going with the flow, and stress when even one detail is left unaccounted for.  Sometimes these are good things and useful, like when it comes to planning a trip or moving. However I have regularly found that this side of my personality makes it very difficult for me to trust God’s plans and to have faith when my own plans fail.  In my eagerness to plan out my whole life I leave very little room for God’s plans. When my own plans fall though and I am forced, maybe not with the best attitude, to pray and rely on faith I find myself learning and growing in my walk with God.  Steel is forged in fire not when it is just a pleasant sunny day.

“Better a patient person than a warrior,
one with self-control than one who takes a city. (Proverbs 16:32)”

 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. (Exodus 14:14)”

My first big lesson in God’s timing was when I struggled with infertility. I had everything figured out about the timing of my pregnancy and how beautiful and exciting the whole experience would be. Not only could I not get pregnant month after month, the longer I went without birth control medications the more my body fell apart. After twelve months and a few doctors’ appointments I was diagnosed with PCOS. A condition that not only was affecting my ability to conceive this diagnosis also came with other long lasting effects on my life. I felt broken, like there was something wrong with the way God had made me.  I had given up my plans for a career to become a mother, I was following what I felt God calling me to do and now I was being told I was physically not able to do it on my own.  If I lived in Old Testament times I would be Sarah, old and living in shame for my inability to produce offspring for her husband. Many tears and prayers later I finally gave up my perfect plan and began begging God for a miracle.  This story had a happy ending for us as we not only welcomed home our baby girl but were pleasantly surprised by the arrival of our son a year after that. I was truly humbled by God’s faithfulness to gift us what we had prayed for. This experience brought to life Matthew 7:7 for me, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
I find that when I face challenges in this life I tend to put m head down and start to grind up the hill on my own. I leave even my family and friends behind as I struggle to fix everything on my own. God, I believe, tends to give us life experiences to help us to grow. I face situations regularly that I cannot work myself out of on my own, or ones that no one but God could make work.  I am learning to turn to God first and say a few words in prayer or even just to tell Him that I know He is with me, before I take off on my own to take on the world single-handedly. Struggling without God is futile; we need Him for every step of our lives lest we step down the wrong path. He wants to help us we only have to ask for his intervention.

God bless,